My path always looked a little different…
Since I was a little girl, I somehow stood out. I was one of the tallest, one of the fastest, the most courageous often the most visible, recognised and remembered one. A head of the team, group leader.
Born to shine! Since I was 5 I started taking my space in all of the possible main roles in musicals, performances, playback shows, competitions and championships in our small town, surroundings and international stages. Dancing, singing and performing…
But somewhere between late childhood and my teenage years, I lost touch with all of that.
I lost my confidence. I lost that inner magic. I stopped seeing myself as beautiful, graceful or desirable. I stopped reaching for fulfilment and feeding the parts of my soul that once made me feel so alive. Instead, I began experimenting with substances and discovering another side of myself: My rebellious nature, my wildness, and eventually a path of losing myself… A path into darkness.
Somewhere around that time, my family life changed too. My mum went abroad, my sister left for university, and my dad began struggling with alcohol. Suddenly, the home and family structure I had known no longer felt the same. And being still so young, I went looking for belonging somewhere else. I found a new kind of family on the street.
That was where another chapter of me began. Rebellion. Testing boundaries. Experimenting with substances, flying really high and drunk. Discovering my wild nature, but also slowly entering a path of losing myself.
And at some point I met the first great love of my life. Our story lasted for almost four years, and somewhere along the way, following love also took me abroad. Because I was travelling so much I didn’t pass my first year of college. I eventually went back, finished my education, and decided I needed a break from studying. So I packed my life and left for my love, in England… And that was the beginning of my immigrant story. Not long after I fully committed to building my my life there, our relationship came to an end.
Today, I can look back at my first boyfriend with gratitude. That relationship was part of the bridge that brought me into an entirely new life… But back then I was heartbroken…
I was in a foreign country, barely speaking the language, without my own people around me. Almost everyone I knew was connected to him. And so began a very lonely chapter of Ania’s English life. Once again, I went looking for belonging. And once again, I found my family somewhere in the darkness…
The experimentation with substances went further. The nights became longer, wilder and more intense. What I jokingly call my little gangsta’s paradise became an exhausting way of living.
But there is something I can see now that I couldn’t see then. Even in those environments, I somehow found myself in service to others.
I was helping people when they came out of prison, acting their girlfriends, I kept their fake documents and counterfeit money for them. I was the one bringing joy into the room, dancing until everyone else stopped, making people laugh, lifting the energy of every party I walked into. I didn’t call it leadership. I certainly didn’t call it medicine. I was simply surviving, searching, experiencing, losing myself and somehow still giving pieces of my light away wherever I went. Always in full trust and loyality. Not expecting anything back. And my resilience? Well… that thing was already extraordinary 😅
It kept me going through nights, people, places and experiences that could have swallowed me whole. I just didn’t know yet that one day I would have to stop using that strength simply to survive… and learn how to use it to live. For a long time I didn’t understand what that meant…
I was also constantly surrounded by unhealthy masculine energy. Many of these men were my friends, and at the time, I genuinely believed I was safe amongst them.
But being a young, attractive woman with a naturally sensual and sexual energy, I didn’t realise how, chapter by chapter, I was learning to protect myself. I became tougher. More guarded. Less accessible. Without even noticing it, I was slowly closing my shell. Building walls around my heart. Creating layers of protection around my softness, my sensuality, my vulnerability and the most intimate parts of my feminine nature. What looked like strength from the outside was often protection on the inside.
I knew how to survive amongst men. I just didn’t yet know how to feel completely safe being a woman.
And with every new experience, the walls grew a little higher.
I buried myself so deeply inside that shell that, in many ways, I am still finding my way out of it today. I have learned how to be close to myself. How to experience pleasure and orgasm. How to hold myself, listen to myself, love myself and feel safe within my own presence. But intimacy with another human being is still something I am learning. Learning tantra ,and, for years, sharing my services with massages is on of the ways of healing.
Perhaps healing isn’t about breaking the shell completely. Perhaps it is learning that I can open it when I choose, while still knowing how to protect what is precious inside. Especially now. When I keep myself, my sexuality to myself by the choice, respecting my sacred energy and temple more then ever.
And perhaps there was a reason I had learned to close myself so deeply. The relationships that followed brought me even more lessons around boundaries. Again and again, I found myself with men around whom I abandoned pieces of myself, allowed my boundaries to be crossed and moved further away from the woman I truly was. Until eventually, there was almost nothing left to lose…My heart broke completely. And strangely, that was where my awakening began. After years of living on a deeply self-destructive path, I reached a point where something inside me simply collapsed. For almost two weeks, I cried… Not the kind of crying you can stop by washing your face and getting on with your day. It was an uncontrollable catharsis. Years of pain seemed to be leaving my body at once. I remember crying out to the heavens:
“Why is this world ruled by money and not by love?!”
And then something happened that changed the direction of my life. Light came. What I experienced as the presence of the Holy Spirit met me in the middle of my ruins and lifted me from a place from which I didn’t know how to lift myself. That was over seven years ago. And I have been walking the path back to myself ever since. At first, I wanted to heal everything. I searched. I studied. I dug relentlessly into myself. I tried different practices, modalities and ways of understanding why I was the way I was and how I could become whole again. Today, my relationship with transformation is different. I don’t need to dig up every wound anymore. I listen and flow. I follow. I experience what life brings to me and allow each experience to reveal another layer of my heart. The medicine of the rose, dancing and singing is the main part of the healing journey. I get inspired and I feel seen by other powerful Medicine Woman.
And somewhere along this path, something else started becoming impossible not to notice. Women were watching. Not only listening to what I said. Watching how I lived. How I dressed. How I moved. How I expressed my femininity. How I create. How I changed my hair. How I allowed myself to become increasingly visible. Sometimes the reflections were almost immediate. I would wear something completely different, and shortly afterwards I would see women around me experimenting with something similar. I would change my hair and see echoes of it appearing around me. I would share another part of myself publicly and watch other women become a little braver in expressing theirs. Of course, I cannot know what inspires every person’s choices. But when the same kind of reflection happens again and again, you begin to pay attention. And then I looked beyond the clothes. I looked at my life.
For years, I have been creating spaces for women. Holding women’s circles. Working with the body, healing, expression and transformation. Walking my own Medicine Woman path. Exploring feminine energy, sensuality, sexuality, creativity, motherhood, boundaries and the courage to become visible again. Working on myself all the time. To be a good example. Sometimes it not easy, I’m still healing too.
And this year, the Rose found me 🌹
Not because I sat down one morning and decided that the Rose would become part of my work. She simply began appearing everywhere. And when I didn’t see clearly the rose. Even when I couldn’t see that the Rose was calling me, she kept appearing on my path I would literally find whole, beautiful roses lying at my feet during walks. I began to recognise myself in her. My own journey had been unfolding like a rose, slowely opening- layer by layer… Learning when it was safe to soften and bloom, but also learning how to use my thorns. Learning boundaries. Learning protection. Learning that softness does not require defencelessness. The more I looked at the Rose, the more I saw my own path reflected back at me.
Around my birthday in May, I had a conversation with a well-known Polish channeler. He knew surprisingly little about what had already been unfolding inside me, yet one of the first things he spoke about was women. Leadership. International work. The need to finally embody the magnitude of what I carry instead of continually reducing myself to make it easier for other people to receive me. That I need to embody the quantum jump ahead. Some of what he said was so enormous that part of me wanted to laugh. Another part of me became very quiet. Because he wasn’t planting an entirely new idea. He was naming something life had already been showing me.
And when I look back now, I realise that this story didn’t begin this year. The signs were there from the very beginning. Over seven years ago, when I had only just stepped onto my path of transformation, I went to my first ever personal development workshop. It was a Family Constellations workshop led by a woman who was already guiding and working with other women. A soul Coach. I remember sitting there in the circle while we were introducing ourselves. She asked each of us why we had come. And when it was my turn, without really thinking about it, I looked at her and said: “Because I want to do what you do.” That was it. I didn’t know where this path would take me or how many times I would have to lose and rediscover myself along the way. I had simply looked at this woman leading other women and something inside me recognised it. “I want to do what you do.”- tadaaaa just like that- even me was suprised 🙂
And there was another part of that workshop that stayed with me. During the constellation, she chose me to represent “sexuality.” At the time, I didn’t understand how significant that would become. But today I almost have to laugh when I look at the themes that have followed me through my life. Femininity. Sexuality. Sensuality. The body. Beauty. Power. Women. For years, my sexuality and sensuality have been some of the most visible, and sometimes most misunderstood, parts of me. I have been admired for them, judged for them, desired because of them and sometimes made to feel that I should hide them. And at the same time, my own journey has been about returning to the essence of my femininity. Because life trained me very well in masculine survival. I came from an environment where unhealthy masculine energy was strongly present. Later, becoming a single mother taught me to provide, organise, protect, decide and hold everything together. Building my own business required even more of that energy. I learned how to make things happen.
But over the years, another lesson began: “How do I stop constantly doing and start creating?!”
How do I receive? How do I soften? How do I allow myself to be sensual without apologising for it?
How do I embody the feminine rather than simply look feminine? …And somehow, through all of this, I started working with women. At first- big lesson was a permanent make up chapter… then Kobido massage as a bridge to follow my heart and start combining beauty with holistic approach… then I began holding women’s circles. Chakra Dancing workshops. Cacao ceremonies. Creating and holding spaces for transformation. Working with the body, expression, healing and energy.
Walking the Medicine Woman path… And more recently, following the path of the Rose. 🌹
So when I look backwards now, that woman from my very first workshop feels almost like the first mirror life placed in front of me. But she certainly wasn’t the last…
Recently, I was at a festival, simply walking past a jewellery stall filled with handmade pieces, crystals and beautiful golden crystal hand made talismans… There were so many to choose from. But I didn’t really choose. Within one second, I felt the calling of one particular talisman. I picked it up. Beautiful Yoni shaped labradorite with real gold around the stone… The woman running the stall came over, saw what I was holding and almost immediately said something along the lines of: “Well, I’m not surprised you chose this one.” And then she started telling me what it represented:
Feminine power. Sexuality. Beauty. The Goddess. Divine Creation. And… women’s leadership.
Seriously? Out of all those talismans?
Another story- After a talk with that channeler I’m sitting and observing my mind. Inner critic started to search for reasons I shouldn’t feel strong enough for that mission of international coach. a while after universe is sending me a message from a lady that I saw once at the lake, a few years ago. She send me link to the “Conscious Man” festiwal in Poland and she texted that when she saw that she instantly thought about me making one for woman. And a while after… one of my clients who always support me and see me- see my potential and my gifts is inviting me to the Tony Robbins (apparently very famous worldwide coach) event that is happening soon- even tho he pays for that a few thousands of pounds.
And when the same themes keep finding you across completely different chapters of your life, through different people who don’t know one another, in completely different places… you start listening. Because suddenly I could see the serious thread. Many ceremonies and deep work with diffrent medicines also was telling me that I am an example for people. It was not easy to get here. To become mature, courage, strong enough to hold it all and align with my destiny- still learning and maturing. And then a few contemplations on if I really should only work with woman? And which language use? A man can see my body first- unfortunately very often they can’t understand and see more then my sexuality. Maaany interested in my services-or myself asked about “happy ending” or came to see me with some strange energies and expectations. Also- I am a Woman… and I don’t know how to be a man.
Years of learning what my own femininity actually means. My work with women. Women’s circles. The Medicine Woman path. The Rose. The conversation around my birthday. And then, out of dozens of pieces of jewellery, my hand finding the talisman of feminine power, sexuality and women’s leadership. Different people. Different places. Yet somehow, the same words kept returning.
Women.
Femininity.
Sexuality.
Transformation.
Leadership.
Perhaps life wasn’t trying to show me where I should go next.
Perhaps it was showing me where I had been going all along.
Perhaps women’s leadership isn’t a new identity I need to put on.
Perhaps it is something I have been slowly growing into for years.
And maybe now… it’s simply time to stop hiding from it and embody it 🌹
Universe is playing the melody for me- so I dance into it. Would you dance with me?
“THE PATH OF THE ROSE” STARTING IN SEPTEMBER 2026- more info soon!
With love- Anahata <3
